Just go with it
by Jane-By-Design-Lover
Summary: After Billy said 'It's you' I finally understood my true feelings for him. So, I'm writing this journal to get out all the heartache and pain I'm feeling at the lose of my best friend and the boy I love. I can only hope nobody ever finds this journal because if they do, well, I guess I'll just go with it.
1. Love is a death wish

**Author's Note: So, just something I thought of, hope you like it! Read & Review! I've been thinking that when school starts i might have time to write, like on the weekends. I make no promises but I'll do my best to try and still write after school starts!**

**Jane**

Liking Billy was understandable but falling in love with him was a different story. I had feelings for him that went way beyond anything I'd felt for Nick or Eli, or even the both of them combined. I knew he'd once liked me, now if he was in love with me I don't know. But, he didn't like me anymore. He liked _Zoe_. Don't get me wrong I like Zoe but what I don't like is that she's dating the boy I'm in love with.

I knew why he liked her so much, she was pretty much a girl form of him (hence the reason why I liked her so much). She brought out the old Billy. When he came back from his two month vacation to a juvenile detention center he was different, the reason being he thought I was dating Jeremy and never had any intention of ever liking him in more than a best friend way. They were like two peas in a pod. Only that's what other people thought of us.

There was that time when I'd thought we'd had a 'moment', when he was unzipping my dress. He struggled for a second to undo it and when he'd finally gotten the zipper to the bottem he'd froze. He didn't move his body and didn't move his hands. We'd stared at each other. I'd probably had something stuck in my teeth. Then, I'd thought we had a real moment. I'd had this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. And, that feeling was love. It was then that my love for Billy started to grow. Now, it had grown to a full-size plant. I quickly looked away shyly and he'd let go of the dress.

Ben says this will get better but I don't know, I just really hope he's right. I've been avoiding Billy lately. I haven't had a conversation with him since the play, which was a week ago. Whenever I see him I quickly walk in the other direction before he can see me. For the first couple of days he came by. Ben always makes up an excuse like saying I'm sick or whatever, and he makes sure Billy doesn't come in my room. According to Ben Billy's put up quite a fight. He stopped coming by two days ago and I'm glad. I can't deal with him. I know he's hurting but I'm hurting worse. I stopped counting the number of Billy's calls and texts when I lost count at about a hundred.

Ben says dinner's ready so I better go.

Love, Janey

* * *

**Author's Note: So, in case you're confused this is a diary sort of thing about Jane's thoughts. I know it's short but it's just a start. Hope you like it!**


	2. Brothers are better than mothers

**Author's Note: Hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter! Here's the next! I also want to thank Kenzi for all the help you've given me! Everyone should check out her story for Jane by design!**

**Jane**

Ben has been giving me a hard time about the whole Billy thing. He kept telling me I should talk to him because our friendship is too important and blah, blah, blah. But, I _can't_ talk to him. I don't think I could say two words to him woithout bursting into tears. I know I need to face the music sometime, but just not now.

We rented a scary movie, something Billy and I would've done on a dreary Friday night like this one. I lost interest after about thirty minutes and I knew Ben hadn't even really been watching it, he was looking at me the whole time. I figured this was one of the times where we would have a heart-to-heart conversation, and honestly I think I needed it. I haven't been up for much talking lately, when I get home from work I usually just go to sleep.

I paused the movie and turned my body towards Ben. Neither of us said anything for a long few seconds. I think he was debating on weither or not to be the first to speak. I knew he knew we needed to have a real conversation about this. Ben and I are close. Just not as close as I am with Billy...or at least the way I _was_ with Billy. Getting fed up with the silence he sighed and said,

"Jane, really, I don't mean to go all guidance councilor on you but you _need_ to talk to him. He deserves an explaination at least. You've completely shut him out. I know you're hurting but he's hurting too because he thinks he's done something wrong."

I knew he was just trying to help but tears found their way out of my eyes.

"I know Ben, I do. But, it's so hard. I can hardly even look at him at school. I know you love Ms. Shaw and you were heartbroken when she wanted space but this is different. I know I can't really explain it all to you, but it's just different." The tears have taken full control and my head starts to ache. He snakes an arm around my shoulder and holds me close.

"Oh, Jane, I didn't mean for you to get upset, I know this is hard. And, it is different. Billy and you...you two are something special. You're as close as two people can get, and I hope you know that. Don't throw away your relationship over something like this. Most people would say it's normal to develop feelings for one another when you have a boy-girl friendship but I know that this is different. But, I'm here for you. You can talk to me."

"I know Ben. But...it's just hard to talk to about it." I whimpered through my tears, I noticed they have made a big wet spot on his shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on tight.

"I get that it's hard but you can tell me anything. Don't feel like you have to hide your feelings. I'm here as your brother and a friend. I'm also here to comfort you. Don't forget that either. I don't know if this whole conversation is helping or not but that's just what I'm trying to do, help you."

"I know that Ben. Sometimes I feel it's best to keep my emotions locked inside me than to set them free. I'm glad your here for me Ben. And, you are helping. I really need you now."

"I know you do. I also know that maybe Mom might have been better in this situation but I'm doing my best."

"I know you are Ben, and that's good enough for me. Mom would have been nice to talk to but you're just as good. I have to remember that I can still talk to you about these kind of things."

"Of course you can. Now, you have the rest of the weekend to think about this, but I really think you should talk to him on Monday. You don't even have to tell him, just tell him you..." he pauses, searching for a suitable lie but coming up empty minded. "Just think up something, anything. Anything you need to say to keep him from knowing the truth, at least for now. Someday you will have to tell him how you really feel. Not that it has to be any time soon thought."

"Thanks Ben. I know your right, I know I can't keep lying to him. I'll think up something to tell him, and I'll talk to him on Monday."

"Your welcome."

"I'm really glad we had this talk, it helped alot." I told him as I wiped my eyes.

"I'm happy to help you anytime Jane. Remember I'm always here. I love you." I smiled at his words. It was nice to know I had someone to help me through all of this.

"I love you too Ben."

"It's getting late. You should probably go to bed."

"Yeah, your right. Goodnight Ben, and thanks for everything." I said as I slowly untangled myself from him and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before I started to make my way to my room.

"Goodnight Jane." he whispered to me as I slipped through my door.

It didn't take long for the tears to come flowing back. I'm still crying as I write this now. I think it's best to sleep on it.

Love, Janey


	3. Confrontation in a closet

**Author's Note: Here's the third chapter, enjoy! Just to be clear Jane still has her job because Eli saved her at the play and he now knows her secret.**

**Jane**

The weekend ended with me still not coming up with anything to tell Billy. Maybe, I just wouldn't talk to him at all. But, Ben would be highly dissappointed in me if I didn't talk to him. Before Ben and I went our seperate ways once we got inside Whitemarsh I told him I would talk to Billy, which is a lie. I'd made up my mind in the car, I wouldn't talk to him. Honestly, what could I say to him now? Would he even want to hear it?

After I'd grabbed my books out of my locker and was going in the direction of first period I felt a warm hand wrap it's way around my my mouth and pull my body into a closet. What the hell?

"It's just me." he whispered and let go of me. My heart melted. That voice, that voice I've known practically my whole life. That voice known only to belong to my best friend, Billy. My heart was a pile of goo while my stomach was having it's fun on a roller coaster.

It's dark in the closet but I can still see him. It's the first time I've really looked at his face since the play. His hair is messier than usual, his eyes are bloodshot, his nose is red and raw, and a permanent sad smile was etchd across his face. My lower lip trembled as he stared at me for a second.

"Janey?" he whimpered. I didn't say anything, afraid that I would just start crying again. This is why I didn't want to face him. I didn't want to face the boy I was in love with.

"Janey, please, talk to me." he pleads.

"What do you want me to say?" I finally whispered to him, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't even hear me. Not that it mattered, I enstantly regretted the words as soon as they had tumbled out of my mouth.

"Janey, what's going on? You've been avoiding me. You don't answer my calls or texts. Did I do something wrong?"

"No...no you did nothing wrong."

"Then what is going on? What's your deal?"

"What's my deal? You want to know what's going on? What's going on is my heart is breaking and my best friend hasn't even been there to comfort me." Despite my wish to keep from crying I do it anyway, I cry and cry. Bent up sobs that make my chest and head hurt. I cry like a stupid five year old little girl.

"I haven't been there to comfort you? Ben won't let me see you! You don't answer my texts or calls! I haven't even seen you at school because you've been avoiding me! So, don't turn this around on me!" His words only make me cry harder. I don't think he's ever been this harsh with me before, but I deserve it. I deserve it because he's right, I have been avoiding him at all costs. And, I can't even tell him why.

"Oh, Janey, I'm sorry! You know I didn't mean that!" He wrapped his arms tightly around me in a hug. I knew I needed to be happy. Billy was trying to make me happy, and him hugging me usually worked, but not this time. I knew that he thought he was helping but in reality he was only making it worse. Just being near him only made me hurt so much worse. I wished I could tell him. But, I couldn't. He didn't need to know, at least not yet.

"It's gonna be okay Janey." he kept telling me as he stroked my hair. Him comforting me hurt so much. I never even knew I could hurt so much. He didn't ask what I was so upset about, and I was glad, because I wouldn't know how to answer that. I knew that he thought I was only letting out all my heartbreak because he was comforting me but I was only crying harder because of the fact that he was comforting me. The feel of his body pressed into mine felt so good yet so horrible. A part of me wanted to get away, run out of the closet and run out of school to get away from him. Another part of me didn't want to ever let go of him.

"I'm here for you, I'll always be here. I know I said I don't like it when you cry and that's probably why you've been avoiding me but it's okay. You can cry to your heart's content. Just know that I'll be here."

"Thanks Billy." It hurts more to know that he thought I was avoiding him because he doesn't like it when I cry rather than the real reason.

"Your welcome Janey."

We stayed that way in silence, well silence not counting my crying, for a few minutes. I knew we were missing class but he didn't seem to care. I guess it's better to have Billy as a best friend than nothing at all. Because no matter what Billy will always remain in my life. He was permanently stuck in it, he was apart of my life. No matter how hard I could try to avoid him I knew it wouldn't last. I knew that Billy and I could go through anything, even love.

Billy's just rung the doorbell, I invited him over for dinner, so I better not keep him waiting.

Love, Janey


	4. He's not into you

**Author's Note: I hope everyone's enjoying this story because I've gotten four reviews! I want more! I would say I want like three reviews on this chapter in order to update but that isn't going to happen and sense I like this story so much I'm gonna continue even if nobody ever reviews!**

**Jane**

The next week or so I was better I guess. Billy still comes over and we talk, but we've still never tallked about why I'm so upset. I think it's because he knows how depressed I am and thinks it's better for me to talk when I'm ready to talk, whenever that will be. Everyday it's the same routine; get a ride to school with Ben, say hi to Billy, go to class, have Ben drive me to the train station, go to work, come home, Billy comes over to hang for a little bit, and then I'll go to sleep. Most nights Billly sleeps over. He'll sleep in my bed with me instead of the floor and he'll wrap his arms around me. Half of me still feels pain when he comforts me but the other half of me enjoys his comfort.

Gray texted me earlier saying I had the day off. Normally this would have been a great treat, and I'd spend the time with Billy, but now it was different. I didn't want to see him. Besides he probably doesn't want to see me either. I think he's starting to get tired of my 'silent treatment' act. He really wants to know what's going on but I still can't tell him. How could I? What would I say?

_Oh, why am I upset? I'm just upset because I'm in love with you and your in love with Zoe. _Yeah, that sounded about right. As if I'd ever tell him that.

I'd hidden myself away in the janitor's closet, the same closet Billy had shoved me into awhile ago. I gave a slight sniffle as I stood up, ready to go back to class, when I heard a creak as the door was being pushed open.

"Jane?" It's _Zoe_. Crap. What was she doing here?

"Zoe?" I squeaked. This was so not good. She'd probably find a way to get mad at me even though I didn't do anything. Ever since she went all bitch mode on me about the sleepovers I've been a little weary about her.

"Jane, are you alright?" her voice dripped with concern I sure as heck wasn't expecting. She quickly turned her gaze from me and shut the door quietly and caught my eye again. Was she really concerned?

"I'm...fine." I said but I knew she didn't buy it.

"Jane? I'm sorry." her tone changed to something different, perhaps guilt? What was she sorry about?

"Sorry? For what?" I gave a slight laugh.

"Jane I think you know."

"Know what?" And, I did know. She was referring to the whole sleepover issue. I hoped this wasn't something Billy made her do. I didn't take Zoe as the kind of girl to feel guilty for something she did.

"Look I'm sorry I freaked about the sleepovers, really I am. I know I already apologized but it was wrong of me. I hope we can be friends." she gave me a kind smile. Zoe might've been a good actress but I was next to 100% sure she really meant it. I returned the smile and replied,

"I totally get it, he _is_ your boyfriend." I'd cringed at the word boyfriend, not that she seemed to notice, and if she did she didn't say anything about it. "I want to be friends too." The words weren't a lie. I _did_ want to be friends with Zoe. After all it's not like I have any other girlfriends.

"Now Jane tell me, what's the matter?" She carelessly flicked the light on and plopped down on the tile. I heistantly sat back down next to her. What should I tell her? The truth? No, then she'd totally kill me. But, then what would I say?

"Oh...just...some...boy problems." I finally stuttered.

"Really? Who's the guy?" She sounded quite interested. Maybe, I could tell her...or just tell I liked someone who didn't like me...? Here goes nothing, and with that I gave her another sigh before saying,

"Oh, just this guy."

"He's not into you, is he?" she chuckled at her comment. Why would she say that? Did she know? No, she couldn't...right?

"What makes you say that?" My tone now matched her guilty one.

"Well, you look really upset." Thank _God_. I couldn't believe I'd actually thought she'd figured it out.

"Oh, yeah..."

"So, he's not into you?" I hang my head, not looking her in the eyes as I say,

"No, he's not. He...he's dating someone else."

"Thats awful! You know what you should do?" she asked, bumping my shoulder lightly.

"What?"

"I say you try to make a move. Let him know you're interested. You seem like a really cool girl, what guy could turn you down?" she jokes.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that." I whispered.

"What's that?"

"Nothing." I mutter.

"Well, let's go. Second period's almost over." She helped me up and looped her arm through mine as she lead us out of the small room.

"I gotta go. Remember what I said." She stuck her pointer finger out and narrowed her eyes to prove her point. I gave her a tight smile and a faint nod. She smiled again and walked away, her long dark hair bouncing up and down at each step she took.

I do hope Zoe and I become friends. She does seem really nice, minus the sleepover thing, but whatever. The train I'm taking home from work has come to a stop so I guess I'll write more of my pathetic life later.

Love, Janey


	5. Getting back my Janey

**Author's Note: I know this story is supposed to be about Jane's diary and everything but I just really wanted to have some of Billy's thoughts in here! Thank you Kenzi for all your help!**

**Billy**

I was listening to some music when fingers gracefully slid my headphones off and covered my eyes. I jumped lightly, I've always hated the fact that I get scared easily. Zoe. This tiny gesture annoyed me. She knew I hated it when she scared me like that.

"Guess who?" she whispered seductively in my ears.

"Zoe, you know I hate it when you do that." I complained as I pulled her hands off of me and turned around to face her. "You really need to stop, you think you're being cute and all but just stop it."

"I know, I'm sorry." she gave me that dazziling smile of hers and I knew I couldn't stay mad at her.

"It's okay." I reassured her by giving her a quick peck on the lips.

"So, have you talked to Jane recently?" Her voice didn't show any type of sarcasm like the last time she'd mentioned Jane. Just the mere sound of her name made me want to cry right then and there. It's been forever and she _still_ hasn't told me what's wrong. I feel like I'm losing her, and I don't know why. Sure, we still talk and I spend the night all the time (probably to Zoe's dismay) but it's like I don't even exsist to her, like I'm invisible. Ben says that she is going through this deep depression thing and that she is hurting really bad. 'If she is then why won't she tell me what's going on? It seems like she's just Jane, and not my Janey anymore. I know something has happened to her, something beyond horrible, but all I can do now is comfort her. So, that's what I've been doing, comforting her.

"No, why?"

"I just talked to her earlier, she's extremely upset." My ears perk up at her words and I relpy,

"Why?"

"She says it's a boy problem. I'm helping her through it." Wait, what? Zoe helping Jane? My Zoe? The jealous Zoe? Helping my Janey? That seemed...unlike Zoe.

"Boy problem? About me?" she playfully bumps my shoulder and shoves her hands deep inside her spiky black leather jacket as she says,

"No silly, some guy she has a crush on." Crush? My Janey had a crush? On a guy that wasn't me? This just brought back all of my mixed feelings about her. Deep down I still loved her, no I was _in_ love with her. Now, Zoe, that was different. Yes, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't fallen for her but being in love with her...no. I wasn't in love with her. Didn't even love her. She was just a distaction. I know it was rather disgusting that I'd started dating Zoe to escape my feelings for Jane, but in the process I'd really begun to like her. It's just my feelings for Jane hadn't escaped fully, they just got trapped deep inside of my heart. My love for Jane won't go away, no matter what I do they won't budge, I'll always be in love with my Janey. But, the Jane I see everyday isn't the girl I love. She's perhaps a replacement, I hope in time my Janey will find her way back to me.

"Oh, who?" She shaked her head in confusion and said,

"I don't know, she wouldn't say." _Oh_. I suddenly knew exactly who she was talking about. Eli. The fucking bastard that cheated on her! How could she still be so hung up on that douche? I knew she liked him, but to be this upset over him? It just didn't make sense. This Jane sure wasn't my Janey. Whoever this new Jane was I didn't like her. Not one bit. And, I was determined to take down this Jane so I could have back the women I loved.

"Billy? Billy, where are you going?" Zoe's words rang out from behind me, but I didn't care. I was going to get my Janey.


	6. If only love was that simple

**Author's Note: So, thanks everyone for the reviews, favs, and followers! Here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy!**

**Jane**

Today was horrible. It went something like this,

I was walking to Ben's office to get a ride to the train station when Billy came up and wrapped his arm around my waist. This probably meant nothing to him, he always put his arm around my waist, but it got me a little nervous. No, it didn't make butterflies fly their way into my stomach or 'take my breath away', which both of those things are impossible. But, it did make goosebumps crawl onto my porcelain white skin. I stopped and said,

"Billy?"

"Hey, Janey."

"Did you want something? I gotta get to work."

"Yeah, I was wondering if I could take you?"

"Oh, well, Ben drives me." I didn't want Billy to drive me. He'd probably just keep pestering me about my 'depression'.

"Well, there's something I want to talk to you about." his voice sounded so sweet and hopeful that I just couldn't resist. So, with a sigh I replied,

"Okay, fine. I'll just text Ben and tell him you're giving me a ride."

"Great!"

I brought my phone out of my bag as we started walking to the exit. I noticed his arm was still securely around my waist, and I wasn't so nervous anymore. After all it _was_ Billy.

_Ben, Billy's driving me to the train station. _I texted Ben.

"So, what did you wanna talk about?" I asked Billy from the backseat, where I was changing.

"Oh, well, Zoe talked to me...about your...little crush." he said barely above a whisper. What?! Did he find out that the 'crush' was him?! This was so not good!

"Oh, well, what about it?" I whispered back nonchalantly.

"I know who it's about." his tone of voice changed to anger. He must have known. But, how? Had Zoe figured it out? But, still how?

"You do?" I squeak.

"_Eli_." Relief rushed through me like a hurricane. He thought it was Eli! I didn't know what I'd do if he'd known the truth. When I didn't say anything he continues,

"How can you still like him Janey! He cheated on you for christ's sake!" his loud voice boomed at me, almost causing me to fall back in my seat as I was changing out of jeans and into a skirt.

"I feel like I don't even know you anymore! It's like your a completely different person!" He was kinda right. I wasn't the same Jane. I was more like a depressed Jane. I knew he was getting really mad. Why wouldn't he? But, this is what I deserve. I deserve him getting mad at me. I wasn't being a best friend to him. I was completely ignoring him all the time, like he wasn't even there. But, what could I do? He didn't know what was going on with me. He didn't know how much pain I was in.

"Jane! Say something!" I flinch at his words, that was the first time he didn't call me Janey since around after we started being on speaking terms with each other again.

"What should I say?" I know the tears are soon to come.

"Tell me anything! Just explain!" he cries out at me.

"Explain what?" I whimper as a single tear slides down my right cheek.

"Explain to me why your like this! Why you still like him! There has got to be more, I don't see how you could be this upset and heartbroken about this!" By now I was fully dressed so I opened the door and muttered,

"I gotta go."

"No! Wait!" He climbs out of the Beast and runs after me. He grabs ahold of my wrist and says,

"No! You need to explain! You can't just leave. I've waited so long!" My shoulders start to shake as tears poured down my face. "I miss my Janey." he mumbles so softly I'm surprised I even heard him.

"I can't explain! You don't understand!" I give a hard tug and break free from his grasp. I start sprinting to the train, and I instantly get lost in the crowd so there's no way of him catching up with me.

I'm long gone when he whispers the words,

"I'm in love with you."

Love, Janey


	7. The door to my heart

**Author's Note: So, I think I'll be having more time to write during the school year than I expected. I won't be doing any clubs because they don't have Math club or Yearbook club, which I did last year. This weekend should be a treat since I'm off Monday for Labor Day, so it's like a three-day weekend! Once again I would like to thank Kenzi, my beta for all your help! Anyway, onto the story!**

**Jane**

Eli was concerned about me at work. I guess you could say we're broken up even though we were never offically boyfriend and girlfriend, but we are still friends. I ended up confessing all of what's been happening. So, I guess I'll write it down in here.

"Jane, a moment?" Eli said as I was walking past his office. I glumly walked slowly into his office, the office that used to belong to Jeremy. He had changed it up a bit. The picture of the London flag that used to hang on the left wall, which I used to admire often, was now replaced by a picture of Gray and himself. They were both smiling broadly into the lens, Eli had taken the picture because I could see a strip of his extended arm cut off. Looking at them both up close I could see the resemblance. Same puppy dog brown eyes and button-like noses. The vase of flowers that used to stand atop the desk were now replaced by a minature replica of the effial tower.

"Yes, Eli?" I meant for my voice to sound professional, quiet and poised, but it ended up coming out as a quiet croak.

"What's wrong?" His concern got me itching to break down and pour my heart out to him, but I tried to ignore it by replying,

"Nothing."

"Oh, come on. You've been off the past few weeks. You're not yourself. Something most me up." He took a seat on the plush black leather couch that's been pushed up against the wall and pats the empty spot next to it. I hesitantly sit down next to him.

"You up for talking?" he asked me, his eyebrows are still knit up in the confusion he's been in everytime he sees me. I gave one of my famous sighs and said,

"More than you'd think."

"So, what's up?"

"Okay, well, you know when you told me...you...slept with someone else." An awkard silence passes between us before either of us speak.

"Yeah?"

"And, you...you said, and I quote, 'Well...sounds like you should be with him'. And, I've been thinking alot about that. You're right. You made me realize I have feelings for him. Not just feelings...I've realized I'm in love with him." The last words came out as a mere whisper. I wait patiently for what I've said to sink in. His eyes get as big as saucers and his mouth forms a perfect O shape. A few seconds pass before he says,

"Really?"

"Yes, really." Tears silently slide down my face but he doesn't seem to notice. I've been crying so much for weeks that I would've thought I'd be all dried out and have no tears left.

"So, you've fallen for him because...of what I said?"

"No, I've been in love with him for awhile, you just finally opened up my eyes to see it."

"Wow...that's wow..."

"I know. It hurts so much. Like I said he's with Zoe. It hurts to see him with her. It even hurts just seeing him. It's worse that now Zoe's being all nice to me and wants to be friends. I want to be friends too but it's only a matter of time before she'll find out the truth, and when she does she'll hate me forever. I don't want that. I didn't want _any_ of this to happen." Now, I can't control the tears as they change to full force. I cried even harder than I'd cried in the closet with Billy. Their the same as always, bent up sobs that make me seem like a little five year old.

"Oh, Jane, this must be hard." I give him a meek little nod of my head and continue to cry. He can tell all I want is silence. So, I just sit there, crying quietly to myself.

Why was this happening to me? And, why now of all times? Why when I'd finally got settled in at work and had a good thing running? Why did I have to 'fall head over heels' in love with Billy? I sit there longer, it felt like hours but was probably only a couple of minutes. I lean my head back against the soft material of the couch and wipe my eyes. Eli finally breaks the silence that I've gotten tired of by saying,

"Jane, I'm your friend. You can talk to me more about it if you want."

"Thanks Eli. I guess it won't do any harm to talk." I turned my body around so that I'm facing him and give a sniffle before starting,

"He's my best friend, since kindergaten in fact. There's never really been anything between us. I recently found out he'd had feelings for me awhile back, but he doesn't any more. He doesn't even know that I know. I don't want to tell him for the same reasons he never told me. I don't want to risk the chance of loosing our friendship. We've been through thick and thin. I don't think he ever had the same feelings as I do now, I think his feelings...they were what people would say about my feelings. That it's normal to develop feelings for one another in a boy-girl friendship and whatever. But, my feelings are different. I don't just like him, I love him, I'm in love with him." He continues to listen intently to me rant on and on about all of what I'm feeling. He never once disagrees or interrupts me. Honestly, I think it's the best conversation I've had about this, better than when I talk to Ben. I know I barely know him but it feels good. It feels good to let someone inside the door of my heart.

Love, Janey


	8. The phone call

**Author's Note: Sorry for the long wait! So, hope more people will review, fav, and follow me since I've gotten only 7 reviews, 3 favs, and 6 followers! I don't know if that many people even like my stories but hey, give me some slack, I'm only in 7th grade! Here's chapter 8!**

**Jane**

I've been even more depressed since Billy flipped out on me about my 'crush', but little did he know the crush was him. Eli has been great through all of this though. He's always been there to comfort me when I need it, which as been alot recently. Zoe has been trying to talk to me, but I've been avoiding her. I don't want her to see me like this. I've been avoiding Billy too, I don't know what to say to him. It seems like he's more mad at me for 'crushing' on Eli rather than being concerned on what I'm so upset about. I just really don't care anymore.

Today was just another day of Jane world. Where I was in 'my own little world' as my teacher's and co-worker's put it, that is except when I got a phone call. From _Jeremy_. I'd had absoultely no idea why he'd called. I hadn't even heard from him since London. I've decided to jot the conversation down.

"Jeremy?" I'd asked in confusion. Why would he be calling? And, why now of all times?

"Jane! It's so nice to hear your voice!" the tone in his voice was estatic.

"Jeremy...it's been awhile." I didn't really know what to say.

"I know! I've been so busy!"

"You have? What have you been up to? If you don't mind my asking." I added a slight laugh at the end.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Really? What about?"

"Jane...I'm starting my own clothing line." he'd let out the breath he'd been holding in.

"That's great! I'm so happy for you!" And, I actually was. It probably was the happiest thing I've heard in a week. Jeremy getting his own clothing line...wow, that was so...awesome! I knew it would turn out a huge success.

"Jane...I want you to work for me." Eight words that chilled me to the bone. Work for him? How could I? What about Donovan Decker?

"Jane? What do you say? You and me? Working together." his voice was just so happy...how could I tell him no? But, what if I didn't want to say no?

"Jeremy...I..." Those are the only words I can stutter at the moment. How could he ask me that? I had an amazing job at Donovan Decker. How could I just quit and go work for him?

"Jane? Pleaseeeeeeeee?" he pleaded to me, sounding like a whiny little kid. What would I say? How could I turn him down? But, how could I not turn him down? His offer was definitely intriguing...

"Jeremy...I don't know..."

"Look Jane if this is about you not thinking your ready or you don't wanna work full-time it's okay. Your more than ready. You don't even have to work full-time, you can just work part-time if you want. Just please, I really want you to help me start out. And, it's going to be in New York, no worry about moving!" I couldn't say no...yet I couldn't say yes either. This was all just too much to take in.

"Jeremy...I...I...need time." I whispered. I couldn't handle this. It was all to much. With everything going on with Billy, and now Jeremy offering me a job...I just couldn't. I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he replied,

"Okay, I get it. You're still working for Donovan Decker. You don't have to give me an answer now. I'll give you some time, two weeks." And, with that he'd hung up before I could even mutter a single word. Two weeks? Two weeks?! Two weeks was not enough time! How could I decide something this huge in only a short amount of time? It just wasn't possible. I think it's time to talk to talk to Billy...

Love, Janey


	9. Meant to be

**Author's Note: Yeah, another long wait, sorry! I was going to work on this chapter last night but I fell asleep!Looking foward to a three day weekend full of writing and watching jane by design episodes. So, thanks again to my beta, Kenzi! And, here's another patch of Billy! This chapter centers on Billy and Nick's friendship. Enjoy!**

**Billy's P.O.V.**

There's those moments when something just feels..._off. _When there's this bubbling sensation building up inside of your chest and your feet feel like lead. I'd had one of those moments before. After I tried to talk to Jane about Eli. Without success. I just didn't get what was going on. It seemed like something was off with _her_ also. Why do girls have to be so complicated? It seemed like everything was complicated in my life. Between my iffy, mixed feelings for Jane and Zoe and with trying to figure out what was so wrong with Jane. She wasn't the same girl anymore. She wasn't my Janey anymore.

I was really starting to get tired off her constant silence. She was always silent towards me. As if I didn't exsist. We were starting to hang out less and less. The only time I saw her now was when I'd sleep over. Which now seemed to be every night. As soon as we'd slip into bed and I'd slide my arms around her waist she'd fall asleep, or at least she pretended to be asleep. I was starting to wonder if she was just faking. She wouldn't make a sound, not even a peep, and she always had a slight angelic snore. I think she did that to avoid conversation. Back then, before the play, when I'd sleep over she would lay down in my sleeping bag with me and we'd cuddle and talk for hours until we both became too tired. She would slowly climb out of the sleeping bag and crawl back into her own bed. Now, things were different. And I honestly have no idea why.

I hate that Jane won't tell me. We tell each other everything. Well, we _eventually_ tell each other everything, but I thought we put that stuff behind us. I thought we'd promised one another we'd stop keeping things from each other. Obviously she's broken that promise. I just really miss my Janey. I miss the girl that's brown eyes sparkle even shinier than the moon. I miss the girl that can make a smile appear on my face on even my worst day. I miss the girl I'm in love with.

"Earth to Billy!" I hear a deep voice say loudly from in front of me. It takes a second to adjust fully to reality and when I do I notice Nick is standing right in front of me, nearly ontop of me. He was waving his arms widly in front of my face, and when he sees me look up at him he stops.

"Nick?"

"Look who woke up from dreamland. I've been trying to get your attention for five minutes!" he chuckles.

"Oh. Sorry." I give a small laugh as he plops down across from me at the lunch table. He brings out a sandwhich from a brown bag. I'd asked him to come have lunch with me since Zoe was nowhere to be found. Not that I cared that much right now anyway. 1: She's been a tad annoying lately, and, 2: I couldn't stop thinking about the girl I was in love with, and that girl was definetly _not _Zoe.

"It's cool. Dreaming 'bout a certain someone were we?" he jokes. What? Why would he say that? He didn't know. Did he? No...he couldn't. Or did he? But, how?

He notices my worried look and says with a smirk,

"Oh, I promise I won't tell Zoe if you were dreaming about another girl."

"Nick..."

"What? I was kidding!"

I don't say anything, afraid that if I even opened my mouth I'd blurt out something I knew I would regret. Nick was my friend but I didn't want him to know, at least not right now. I'd probably eventually tell him though. I don't know if he still likes Jane or not and if he does and if I told him I was in love with her our friendship would go down the drain.

His eyes get wide and his mouth is opened so big you could probably fit a golf ball in there. He whispers,

"You were, weren't you?"

I still don't say anything so he continues,

"But, I thought you liked Zoe. You _slept_ with her. And, you like someone else?"

"Nick, it's not like that." I finally say. My voice is slightly harsh.

He hold up his hands like he'd gotten arrested and says,

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to get upset. I just don't know how you can bang a girl and say things are getting serious between the two of you and then it's all, I like someone else."

"I'm not getting upset!" I yell. How dare he. How dare he say that to me. He was supposed to be my friend. How could he say that? It wasn't like that at all.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. But, really Billy, do you like someone else?"

All of a sudden it's like all the anger that had just started to build up inside of me disappeared. Like I'd just been defeated. I took a breath and slumped my shoulders as I said barely above a whisper,

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Nick, really, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like Billy?"

"Nick, you don't understand." I turn my head so I don't have to look at him. He didn't understand. He'd never been in love before.

"I don't? Then, explain it to me Billy!" He said in exasperation.

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. I'm your friend Billy. I want to help."

I let out a sigh and reply,

"Fine. But...can I ask you something?"

"Yeah. What is it?"

"Do you still like Jane?"

He had a cofused look on his face and said,

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question."

"Well, then, the answer would be yes. I do still like her. But, she's never going to give me a second chance. I screwed up big time and I will never forgive myself for it. I think about it everyday. Everyday, I wonder how different things could've gone with us if I hadn't cheated on her. She was the first girl I had deep feelings for, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Now back to you. I answered your question now answer mine. Do you like someone else?"

"Yes...I do. But...I...I'm..._in_ love with her." I'm surprised I even managed to say that much.

"You do? Wow...that's...wow. I mean...I thought..."

"I know what you thought. It's just...Zoe...she...was a...distraction." I realized the more I told him the truth the better it felt. I realized that Nick could help me through all of this. I knew he wasn't just some meathead jock. He was an actual person. A friend. A very good friend indeed. The only thing I didn't tell him was who the girl was. I wouldn't tell him that, not until later. He didn't need to know that, not yet.

There were three words Nick said to me that somehow stuck in my mind, _meant to be_. It made me think. It made me think if Jane and I were meant to be. Somewhere deep inside my head there was a voice screaming, _Yes!_ I don't know what made me think that though. There was no chance Jane and I would ever be together. I only have seven words to say. I guess I'll just go with it.


	10. Easier said than done

**Author's Note: So, alot of you are probably looking forward to a Jane and Billy talk but sadly that's not going to happen just yet. But, it probably will in the next chapter! I will for sure update again after this today or tonight! I know I put this in almost all my A/N's but I'll say it again, thank you Kenzi! Onto the story! (:**

**Jane**

The week had droned on and on, and I still hadn't talked to Billy. I know I needed to but I didn't exactly know how to face him. I barely even looked at him when he came over. And, I couldn't really see him anyway since he snuck into my bedroom through the window after I'd told Ben I was going to bed and I had turned the lights off. I _tried _to talk to him today at lunch since Gray had given me two and a half hours off for lunch for my excellent job at work, but Zoe got to me first. This is how the dreary conversation went.

I walked as quickly as I could to the courtyard. I needed to talk to Billy. Now. I didn't know how I managed to wait a whole week before I'd decided I would spill the beans.

"Jane!" I heard Zoe shout from behind.

"Jane!" she repeated as she grabbed onto my arm with a tight squeeze.

"Zoe?"

"Hey! I've been trying to talk to you for awhile now!"

"You have?"

"Yeah. I would've thought you were avoiding me!" she giggled. If only she knew she was right about that.

"Of course not! What did you wanna talk about? I was actually going to talk to-"

"Billy?" she cut me off.

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

She shrugged and replied,

"Who else would it be?"

"I guess you're right. So, you wanted to chat?"

"It'll be quick, I promise."

"Okay, shoot." I said and we'd sat down at the nearest table.

"So, have you done it?"

"Done what?"

"You know, made your move." she bumped my shoulder, something she constantly did to Billy and I.

"Made my move? Move for what?"

"_Jaaaane_. Come on. You know." I gave her a confused look. I didn't know what she was talking about what so ever. She rolled her eyes at me and told me,

"Made your move for that guy. The guy you like."

"Oh. No...no I haven't" I hung my head in embarressment.

"Jane! You need to!"

I shook my head in even more confusion. Why was she doing this? Why was she all of a sudden being all nicey nice?

"Zoe?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?" her dark brown eyes twinkled in the late afternoon sun.

"I mean why are you telling me this? Why are you trying to help. Not that I don't appreciate it."

"I'm telling you this because I'm trying to be a friend."

"But, why all of a sudden?"

"Because, look, were both an important part of Billy's life and it's not going to do any good to dislike each other." I knew she was right, she was an important part in Billy's life now, but I hate that she is. I don't hate her I just hate what part she has in Billy's life. I hate how she's Billy's girlfriend and I'm not.

"I guess you're right."

"So," she said with a flick of her hand. "Really, who is this guy?"

"He's nobody." I whispered as I looked away. I didn't feel comfortable talking to her about this. Why would I?

"Is he somebody I know?" she pressed.

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"Do I...have any classes with him?"

"How should I know?" But, I did know. Zoe and Billy had two classes together, English and History. And, they were the only two classes I didn't have with Billy.

"True. So..." she bounced up and down on the bench. "Am I friends with him?"

"Sorta." I whispered. I fixed my eyes on a boy with red hair who was struggling to get his locker open. Wanting to do something to occupy my hands, I ran a hand over my skirt, feeling the soft and silky texture immediately calmed me a little.

"Ha! The only boy I'm friends with is Nick!" she practically shouted. A few heads turned our way which made me scratch my neck nervously. I tucked a stray curl behind my ear and whispered rather quickly,

"Zoe! Shut up! Please just shut up!"

"Sorry. But, you still like him?"

Now, I was starting to feel even more uncomfortable. My face turned the shade of her crimson colored bag and tears threatend to escape my eyes.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

Letting her think I still had a crush on Nick was better than her knowing the truth. But, there was one problem with this, chances are she'd probably tell Nick about it. And, what if he still liked me? Whatever. I didn't really care anymore.

"Are you sure?" she pleaded. She twirled a piece of straight brown hair around her finger.

"I'm sure."

"Well, you know you can talk to me whenever you want." There was that smile again. A smile of pure kindness and friendness. I knew she really was trying to help. She really did want to be friends. I wanted to too. As long as she never found out that I was in love with her boyfriend...

She felt the awkardness too and smirked as she said,

"Now, run along to Billy. I know your itching to talk to him."

"Thanks Zoe." I smiled and shuffled to my feet.

"You're welcome."

I dashed across the yard, anxious to find Billy. If I didn't tell him about the Jeremy situation now I never would. Forget the fight we'd had awhile back. Forget that I was in love with him. Only that last part was easier said than done.

Love, Janey


	11. If only I knew

**Author's Note: Here's that next update like I promised! I thought this story was better than Missed my chance but I don't know since on that story I got 38 reviews, 10 favs, and 25 followers, but on this story I've gotten so far 15 reviews 4 favs, and 8 followers. So, keep the reviews, favs, and followers coming! I don't even think I need to keep writing a thank-you to my beta, Kenzi anymore haha. She knows she's the best!**

**Jane**

Everyone has their days, good and bad. Today? Not my best day. I only had a week to get back to Jeremy on weither or not I would come work for him, and I just had a _very_ uncomfortable conversation with Zoe. I talked to Billy earlier today. As usual I'll write it down in this lame ass diary of mine.

"Janey!" Billy yelled opposite me. I'd spotted him over at a table with Nick.

"Billy...hey." I whispered as I made my way over to him, nearly tripping over in my heels. You'd think after so many months of running around in shoes like these for Gray I wouldn't trip at all but guess not. I guess I'll always be the clumsy girl with big, wild curls.

Naturally, he picked me up in his arms, well not literally, but he did give me a warm hug and practically carried me over to the table.

I casted Nick a side-ways glance and gave him a faint smile, which he gladly returned. I think his teeth were even whiter than the last time I'd seen them. He'd always been famous for his amazingly straight and very white teeth. I think he caught on that I wanted to be alone with Billy so he said,

"Well, I'm done here so...I'll just..." he gesterued behind himself, to the classrooms. He gave a small nod to the both of us and in one swift movement he'd grabbed his trash, threw it away, and was already heading towards his fith period class.

"Janey I'm sorry-" he'd said at the same time I'd said, "I didn't mean to run away-"

We both smiled shyly at the coincidence. Neither of us knew what to say after that so he faked a cough and I flicked off an imaginary piece of lint. There were so many unspoken words between us I think our minds were having their own conversation while we sat there awkardly. My body was still pressed into him, my head in the crook of his neck and his breath hot on my cheek. We sat there for a few more seconds until I realized I would need to start heading back to the work soon.

"I'm sorry Billy. I...I'm so sorry. I-I...just miss you." I whispered. He hugged me tighter, almost squeezing too hard, as he replied,

"I know. I'm sorry too Janey. I shouldn't have acted the way I did. It was childish of me."

I shook my head, which wasn't really possible because of the position I was in and said,

"No, don't apologize. You had every right to be mad. He didn't exactly cheat on me, we were never in an actual relationship."

"God, you keep saying that! I mean, Janey, he did cheat on you! Even if you guys weren't really together! You can't just have a really good date, ending with a really good kiss, and then have him cheat on you and be, oh, it's no big deal." His harsh tone of voice made me tremble. I hated when he talked to me that way, and he knew it.

"Oh, Janey, you know I didn't mean it like that. I just...I...miss you too." He sighed and burried his cheek in my hair. I know you'd think I've poured my heart and soul into this diary but truth is, you don't even know the half of it. There are no words that could ever describe my pain.

"Lets never fight again?" he whispered in my ear, which tickled. This little thing we were doing seemed so intimate. _No_. I needed to stop thinking that way. Billy didn't like me like that, at least not anymore. I just need to get over myself.

"Deal Nutter." I whispered back. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on tight. I wanted to enjoy this moment as much as I could. I never wanted to forget this. I never wanted to forget the amazing feeling of being enterwined with the boy I'm so passionately in love with.

"I love you Janey." his voice was slightly muffled since his face was still in my curls but I could still hear him.

"I love you too Billy."

If only I knew what he'd really meant. If only I knew that he loved me in a total un-plantonic way, and that he not only loved me he was _in _love with me.

Love, Janey


	12. Firsts

**Author's Note: Thanks to all of my reviews, favs, and follwers! And of course a special thanks to Kenzi! The update took longer than I expected but good news is, this is the longest chapter so far! Hope you all enjoy!**

**Jane**

There's some things you can't take back in life. You can't change them. Like, firsts. You can't take back your first crush, your first kiss, first boyfriend, and most importantly, your first love. Nick was the one for most of those. He was definitely my first cush, first kiss, and first boyfriend but he wasn't my first love. Who might it be you ask? The answer to that is quite simple. _Billy_. He'll always be the first boy I fell in love with, now if I'd ever stop loving him in that way I don't know. I do hope I can move on. I need to. But, even if I do move on, Billy will always be my first love. I think in a way I'll never truely stop loving him.

My feelings for him were stronger than they'd ever been before. Now, if that was because of the new jeans he'd just bought that fit him in just the right way...okay, I'm just getting carried away now. I honestly don't know why I'm even writing this stupid journal. I thought it would help get out some of my sadness and anger but no. It's only been building up more inside of me. I think one day I might loose it. I think one day I won't be able to handle it anymore and I'll just let out everything inside me.

So, I talked to Billy about the Jeremy thing last night. I think it brought us closer than we've been in weeks. Here's how it went.

I smiled at the text Billy had just sent me,

_Janey, be there in five. _

It was Monday. Our anual Thai movie night. We'd stuff ourselves full with Thai food while watching old horror flicks. We do it on the first Monday of every month, it was tradition. Tonight we had the house to ourselves, Ben had a date with Rita. I was happy for Ben. He'd been back with Rita for about a month, around the time I'd fallen for my best friend. He told me he was finally popping the question on their date. It would be really romantic, he'd get up during their dinner and make a whole speech on how much he loved her. Everyone would clap and there'd be a round of awwww's. I was happy for Ben because he loved someone as much as I loved Billy, and that person happened to feel the same way.

"What do you think?" Ben asked me. He was wearing a _tux. _I think that was the first time I'd seen Ben in a tux since our father's funeral. Ben wasn't one to dress fancy. And, neither was I really.

"You look amazing." I breathed. Rita was one lucky girl. I knew she'd say yes to spending the rest of her life with Ben.

"Thanks Janey." Even though I'd never tell Ben this, but, I hated it when he called me that. Billy had been the one to make up the name. At first it was something special. It was special because it was a name only he called me. Then, Ben thought it would be cool if he called me that too. But, he rarely ever even called me that. Not nearly as much as Billy does.

"Your welcome." I smiled. Ben was just so happy and overjoyed. He had no doubt in his mind Rita would say no, and neither did I.

He looked at his watch and yelped,

"Gotta skedaddle!"

"Bye Ben."

"Bye!" He ran out the door but popped his head back in. His chin rested on the side of the door.

"Forget something?"

"Yeah. I forgot to tell you, have fun with Billy." he said with a wink.

I rolled my eyes at him and replied,

"Don't you have someone to propose to?" His laugh came easy instead of the nervousness I was expecting.

"Goodnight."

Billy arrived just when Ben was pulling out the driveway.

"Hey, Janey!"

"Hey, Billy." I whispered. I didn't know how to break it to him. I hadn't even told Ben yet.

"What's wrong?" his voice dripped with concern that I was longing for. He dropped the bags of food on the coffee table and sat down next to me.

I started to cry. I started to cry because I didn't know how much longer I could deal with all this, Jeremy's job offer, trying to be friends with Zoe, my job at Donovan Decker, and most importantly, being in love with my best friend. He comforted me all through it.

"Janey, everything is going to be okay. I'm right here. I'm right here." he kept repeating in my ear. I wanted so badly to believe him, but everything wouldn't be okay. I wanted to scream at him and say that everything wouldn't be okay because Jeremy had offered me a job for his new company right when I'm doing so well at work and that I was in love with him.

"Janey, just tell me what it is. You know I can help. I always do." His words were so kind and comforting. They were so..._Billy_. I realized that no matter what Billy would help me through anything.

"Okay, here's the thing..." I started.

"Yeah?" I turned my body to the left so I was closer to Billy and snuggled up to him.

"Jeremy..."

"Sorry to interrupt but I think we should start eating so this delious food doesn't go to waste."

Giving my signature sigh I said,

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

We sat cuddled up together in silence as we ate. I twirled my noodles, not really having much of an appetite.

"So...what were you talking about?"

"Okay...the thing is..." I paused, waiting for something like in the movies to happen to get me out of this. _Come on_. _Anything! _I prayed someone would walk through the door so I wouldn't have to answer. Of course nothing happened. I was just stalling.

"And...?" Billy said, waving his hand in the air, waiting for me to continue.

"And...Jeremy offered me a job." I blurted. I bite my tongue, wishing I hadn't just said it like that.

"What do you mean Jeremy offered you a job?"

"Well...he's opening up his own buisness. So, like, from now on everything he designs will be with his name."

"Okay...but what about the job offer?" That was sooo like Billy. So clueless. Never can put two and two together.

"He's offering me a job at his new company!"

"He is?"

"Yes!"

"Well...are you going to take it?" I was caught off guard by his words. I expected him to say something like, _Is it part-time? _or, _Do you have to move?_

"I don't know Billy. I might...but how can I just leave Donovan Decker? It's like my home there. Yeah, it'd be nice to work with Jeremy and at least have it his name on the designs I make...but how could I just leave like that? It'd be like betraying Gray or something. I can't do that..." I continued to ramble on about the pro's and con's of the situation until Billy couldn't stand it anymore and said,

"So, are you going to take it?"

"I don't know! Please Billy, I just...don't know. Tell me what I should do." I pleaded to him.

"Well, lets just enjoy the rest of the night. Don't decide right now, sleep on it. It's not like you have to get back to him about it right this second."

"I guess you're right. I'm sorry if I ruined your night."

"_Janey_. The only thing that could ruin my night is if I weren't with you." I smiled shyly and I could feel my cheeks heat up. He was just so sweet. Leave it to Billy to make me feel _shy._

"Thanks Billy."

"Now how about we watch The Exorcist?"

"You got it!"

We watched a couple of other horror movies after that, and we stayed cuddled up. To him it was just a best friend thing, but to me it was so much more than that. The hole in my heart was slowly opening back up. As much as I didn't want to believe it, it was happening. The more he tried to comfort me the more I hurt. He thought he was making it better but in reality he was only making it worse.

Why couldn't I get my own happy ending? Why couldn't this be like all of those other movies about a guy and girl who are best friends and eventually end up together? I guess happy endings aren't my thing. But, no matter what, even if I don't get my happy ending, Billy will always be the boy I fell the hardest for.

Love, Janey


	13. Forget it all

**Author's Note: Like gosh! Most of the other people who post stories are like in high school, college, or adults! And, I'm only in 7th grade! Like seriously all yall are oldie moldies! So, hope everyone liked the last chapter! Thanks to everyone! Especially you know who (Kenzi, my beta, in case you weren't aware!) Some of Billy's P.O.V.! P.S. I seriously have no idea where this story is going, I just make it all up as I go mostly!**

**Billy's P.O.V.**

Jane and Zoe. They were two girls that I had deep feelings for. Yet, only one I loved, or more accurately, only one I was _in_ love with. Jane. It would always be Jane, no questions asked. The reason why I love her so much? I don't really know. Was it her messy, thick black curls? Her big doe eyes? Her wide, cheerful smile? That carefree laugh of hers? Maybe, it was just everything about her. Maybe, it was just _Jane_ in general.

"Hey, Bill!" Zoe squealed. Zoe. Quick, pros and cons. Pros: We both had that 'bad boy' or 'bad girl' vibe about us. A snarky attitude. Cons: Well...she's not Jane. I realized she never would be. As hard as I try to replace Jane I just couldn't. No one could replace my Janey.

"Hey, Zo." I said with a smile.

Sure, maybe, she wasn't Jane but she was...Zoe. The Zoe that made me smile and laugh for the first time since I was back from the Juvenile Detention Center. The Zoe that somehow brought out this whole new Billy. A Billy I wasn't even sure I liked.

"Wanna catch that new horror flick tonight?" she asked me hopefully.

I leaned my head back so I wouldn't have to look at her, and sighed before saying,

"I have plans with Janey."

"Of course! Should've known that!" I couldn't really place what she meant by that. I know I didn't tell her I was going to Jane's, much less tell her I would be sleeping over, like I did every night anyway. But, I didn't exactly hear any type of sarcasm in her voice either.

"Sorry Zo."

She gave a sigh of her own and replied,

"No, no...I get it. What about that guy..." she smirked. What was that? Why'd she smirk? She didn't even_ know_ who Eli was.

"Huh?"

"You know...the guy she has a crush on. I know...who it is." she leaned closer to me and whispered the last sentance softly.

"What? You know Eli?" I was beyond confused. How did she know? Did Jane tell her? Did she tell her about her job too? Why would she do that?

"Wait, what? Who's Eli?"

"What are you talking about? _Who_ are you talking about?" I was way past beyond confused now.

"I'm talking about who Jane has a crush on, Nick."

"Nick?!" What was she talking about? Was it possible I'd been wrong? Jane had never really confirmed that it was Eli. So...was it Nick? But...she couldn't. He liked her...so...if she liked him...I tasted something disgusting at the back of my throat, probably my lunch. I felt like I was going to...

I ran to the nearest trash can and emptied out all the food I'd consumed for the past two days. I just kept going and going. I couldn't stop. It felt like I was not only getting rid of the food I'd eaten but also getting rid all of my sadness and depression.

"Billy! Are you okay?"

Zoe rushed to my side and rubbed the center of my back soothingly.

"I'm...fine. Bad...sushi." I mumble as I slowly raise my head from the can.

"What? The school doesn't even _have_ sushi."

It took me a second to catch my breath, and when I did, I wiped the corners of my mouth. The vile taste still lingered in my mouth. The taste...of my love for Jane...

"I mean...You know..."

She crossed her arms firmly over her chest and gave me a dirty look as she said,

"What _do _you mean? And, no, I _don't_ know."

"I just..."

"Billy, what's wrong with you? It's seemed like for the past couple of weeks you're just...I don't know...depressed?"

"Depressed? Why would you say that?" I knew it wouldn't be long before she caught on to my strange behavior. The truth was, I _was _in depression. I'd begun to fall more in love with the girl I've known practically my whole life, and all the while I was doing the exact opposite with the girl I was dating.

"I don't know Billy. You tell me."

"Zoe, I just..." I didn't know what to say.

"I'm listening..."

"I just...have to go." I blurted. And, without even a glance behind me I dashed out of the building. Forget I still had the rest of seventh period. Forget that my stuff was still in History. Forget it all. I just needed to get away. I needed to get away from the girl I'm desperately in love with and the girl I don't even love a bit.


	14. Time

**Author's Note: Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! I haven't been feeling well, but that can't keep me from writing, at least not for long! Hope you enjoy this chapter! **

**Jane**

Two days. Two days until I had to get back to Jeremy. And, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do. How could he ask me that? How could he tell me to just leave Donovan Decker and come work for him? Sure, it might be fun but I don't think I could do that to Gray. After all Gray _had_ told me that I was the best assistant she'd ever had.

Billy hasn't been a big help either. Every time I try to talk to him it's just like he's in another place, like he's just zoning everything out. I don't know but I think something might be going on with him. He never acts like this, especially with me. He always seems to be thinking about something else, something I have no idea what. We always know each other's thoughts, or at least _most _of the time we do. I don't know what he could possibly be thinking. The expressions on his face are hard to read. It looks like one moment he's really happy and then the next he's just frustrated. I hope he'll tell me what's going on soon. It only causes me more pain to see him so unhappy.

I finally got up the courage to tell Ben about the Jeremy situation. He defintely wasn't a big help either. This is how it went.

"Jane!"

I looked up from the novel I was reading, an old and withering copy of Wuthering Heights, and said,

"Oh, hey Ben."

"When's the wedding date?" I joked.

He looked confused for a second, then, shaked his head and gave it a slight smack.

"I forgot! She said yes!" he squealed. Yes, he _squealed_. Ben Quimby _squealed_. He sounded like a young child waking up to a room full of presents on Christmas morning. Never once in my life have I heard my brother _squeal_. He must've been really happy. I longed for something like that, to be happy, and to have someone love you the way you loved them.

"Congrats Ben."

"Thanks Janey." One word that swiped the smile clean off my face. He kept calling me that. He kept calling me Billy's name for me. I _still_ hated that he called me that.

"Sorry." he mumbled with a frown of his own. "Forgot."

I let out a sigh and replied,

"It's okay."

He laughed at my natural sigh. I always sighed. It was kinda my thing.

"Soooo."

I closed my eyes as I leaned back onto the couch. The smell of sweat still lingered in the air. Ben had just gotten home from baseball practice. He says the reason he came back from the minor league was because he was 'homesick' and it 'was his dream six years ago', but I still think it was all because of Rita. He really did love her alot.

I feel the couch shake as he plopped down next to me.

"Soooo." I said back.

"Soooo, what's up?"

I opened my eyes. Ben and I were close but he doesn't normally just say, what's up.

"What's up?"

"Yeah. You know, w-h-a-t-'s up?" he said slowly and pointed towards the custard cracked ceiling.

"Why do you ask?" I was started to get suspicious. He must know something.

"Just...asking..."

Yeah. He _definetely_ knew something.

"Nothing. You?"

"Same. Nothing."

He didn't say anything after that so I, eager to break the silence, said,

"How was practice?"

"Usual. Fadden's arm is better though. Doctor says in about two weeks he'll be able to play a little."

"That's good. I'm sure Nick's excited then." But for once, I never thought I'd say this, Nick Fadden was the least of my thoughts. There were only three things on my mind at the moment: Why Ben was acting so weird. Jeremy's offer. And, most importantly, my love for Billy.

"Yeah, I'm sure he is."

"So, let's cut to the chase shall we?" I asked impatiently. It was something I vaguely remembered Zoe saying.

"What do you mean?" His voice was off. Like he was hiding something and I was about to find out what it was.

"Ben...you seem weird."

"Jane. You know I'm weird."

"Yeah...but. You know what I mean. You want to talk about something."

"You're right, I do. But, _excuse me _for wanting to make small talk." I knew he was joking but I felt like this 'talk' he wanted to have was pretty serious.

"Sorry. What's this 'talk' about?"

"I just want to know if you're okay Jane." It felt like a thousand pounds had just been lifted off of my shoulders.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

He lowered his voice even though we were the only ones there and said,

"Billy."

"What about him?" I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about my love for him...I had't talked to him about it since I'd first told him. Mostly I'd been confiding in Eli. He's been the biggest help by far. He always listens and says encouraging things. Sure, Ben did those things too but it felt different with Eli. I guess there's some things brothers don't need to know.

"Jane how are you holding up? About the whole...you know...being in love Billy issue." The words, being in love with Billy, came easily. He didn't stutter or mumble. They bounced freely from his mouth with certainty, and that's how he took it too. He wasn't even that shocked. Like it was no surprise I'd fallen for the punk with the faux haux.

"Ben...I'm..." I can't even go on. Sadness, pain, and depression overtook me. I started to cry like I'd been doing so often now. I'd tucked my feet under my legs and rested my head on Ben's chest. I let it all out. I let out all of what was inside of me. I tried to breathe but it was no use. I couldn't breathe while I was crying so hard. My body shaked uncontrollably as I continued. I cried harder than I'd cried when I'd broken my arm when I was eight. I cried harder than when dad died. Because this hurts worse. Alot worse.

And, Ben comforted me. He'd held me. Ran his hands softly through my hair. Told me everything was going to be okay. Did everything he could think of. But, it didn't seem to work. Yes, it helped me stop crying some but it didn't make the pain go away. Only one thing could make this pain go away, and that's time. I would just have to wait. In time my pain will lessen. It might always be there, I might always be in pain, but it won't hurt as much. I just hope that's soon.

I was so lost in my thoughts and tears that I didn't realize someone else had entered the house until Ben had untangled himself from the fragile lump on the couch that happened to be me. I slowly turn my head to the left to see the person that's interrupted my precious depression time.

It's Billy.

Love, Janey


	15. Who to pick

**Author's Note: So, sorry for the lateness! I've been busy with homework and stuff! My mom has grounded me from my laptop! Here's what I've written so far so you at least have something from me!  
**

**Billy's P.O.V.**

I knew I was treading in shallow water. I was in the middle of deep water and land. In the middle of _Jane _and _Zoe_. Jane was deep water. Unsafe. While Zoe was the land. But, she was _safe_. It would be easy, simple, to go to Zoe. It would be so easy to fall in love with her. Of course there was only one thing in my way. Jane. If I'd just let go, let go of my feelings for her, I'd be able to really fall for Zoe. Yet, there was something luring me back to Jane. Back to my Janey. There was apart of me that kept telling me to go to Jane. How it would be so much easier to fully submerge into deep water. To fully submerge into my love for her. The other part of me was telling myself to go to Zoe. Because she was the safest choice. Because I knew she loved me the way I loved Jane. After all it is better to get to land rather than water. But, still, the part of me wanting to go to Jane was a lot stronger than the part of me wanting to go to Zoe. So, who to pick? Let myself be completely consumed in my love for Jane? Or, stay with Zoe, and know that I didn't love her, know that I loved Jane?

I think she's really confused now. About the whole Jeremy thing. She doesn't know if she should go work for him or not, but in my opinion I don't think she should work for him. Now, that has nothing to do with the fashion show. I just don't think she should work for him since he was the mole, the traitor. She shouldn't just leave Donovan Decker either. I think she needs to hear that.

I'm not doing anything now. I guess I'll tell her. My mom won't care, she usually lets me do whatever I want whenever I want.

When I open the door neither Jane or Ben hear me. They're both on the couch. But...she's crying. I've never seen her cry like that. I can tell they're talking but the only thing I hear is,

"Billy issue."


	16. Stupid

**Author's Note: Gosh, sorry for the long wait! But, ya'll know I was grounded! Here's the rest of the chapter!  
**

**Billy's P.O.V.**

_I knew I was treading in shallow water. I was in the middle of deep water and land. In the middle of Jane and Zoe. Jane was deep water. Unsafe. While Zoe was the land. But, she was safe. It would be easy, simple, to go to Zoe. It would be so easy to fall in love with her. Of course there was only one thing in my way. Jane. If I'd just let go, let go of my feelings for her, I'd be able to really fall for Zoe. Yet, there was something luring me back to Jane. Back to my Janey. There was apart of me that kept telling me to go to Jane. How it would be so much easier to fully submerge into deep water. To fully submerge into my love for her. The other part of me was telling myself to go to Zoe. Because she was the safest choice. Because I knew she loved me the way I loved Jane. After all it is better to get to land rather than water. But, still, the part of me wanting to go to Jane was a lot stronger than the part of me wanting to go to Zoe. So, who to pick? Let myself be completely consumed in my love for Jane? Or, stay with Zoe, and know that I didn't love her, know that I loved Jane?_

_I think she's really confused now. About the whole Jeremy thing. She doesn't know if she should go work for him or not, but in my opinion I don't think she should work for him. Now, that has nothing to do with the fashion show. I just don't think she should work for him since he was the mole, the traitor. She shouldn't just leave Donovan Decker either. I think she needs to hear that._

_I'm not doing anything now. I guess I'll tell her. My mom won't care, she usually lets me do whatever I want whenever I want._

_When I open the door neither Jane or Ben hear me. They're both on the couch. But...she's crying. I've never seen her cry like that. I can tell they're talking but the only thing I hear is,_

_"Billy issue."_

* * *

I can't make out anything else so I give the door a good slam as I shut it, so they'll for sure hear me. Just like I expected, Ben gets up and walks towards me.

"Hey, B-" I stop when I see his face. He looks scared and terrified. Why?

"H-hey Billy!" he says un-easily, and I can hear Jane sniffle.

"Who died?" I joked, but obviously neither was in the mood, because I got a dirty look from the both of them.

I sigh and say,

"Ben, can I talk to Jane? Alone?"

It takes some pleading but he finally agrees, and slips into his room. No doubt he's pressed up against the door, ready to hang on my every word.

I walk over and sit down next to her, causing her to once again sniffle and cross her arms firmly over her chest.

"Janey?" I whisper, scooting closer and touching her arm lightly in a plan to try to comfort her, a plan I have a feeling won't work at all. I'm guessing I was right, she just turned her body away from me.

"Janey! Tell me...Oh for pete's sake! Look at me!" I think my voice sounds slightly harsh, but I'm not sure, either way it only causes her to get more upset. Yeah, this plan seemed to be going nowhere...

She wipes her nose and leans back into the couch, as do I. I place my hand over her left one, and I notice it's really cold. I know her hand's are usually cold anyway, it's way we held hands so much, for me to warm her's.

"Janey, I'm sorry. Now. Tell me what's on your mind." I try to go back to joking. I always make her laugh.

She still doesn't look at me but she does finally croak,

"What did you hear?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

She sighs and croaks again,

"How much did you hear? Of what...of what Ben and I were talking about."

Her question caught me off guard. I wasn't expecting that. But, it does make me think back to what I'd heard when I first came in, _Billy issue. _

"Well, when I first came in I heard Ben say, Billy issue. You said something else but I couldn't tell what. I only heard those two words. So, now that you're talking about it, what did Ben mean?"

I lean forward and prop my leg on my knee, while placing my elbow on it and putting my chin on my palm, another attempt to be funny. However she doesn't seem to find it funny. She lets out a sigh of relief, and ignoring my question, replies while glancing at me,

"Oh! That's great!"

She sure was acting awful weirdly. And, for Jane, that was saying a lot. I'm not gonna lie, the girl is pretty darn crazy. But, that's just one of things I loved about her. Just one of the reasons she's my best friend. And, why we make such a good team. We're both sorta crazy.

"Great?" I say with a laugh.

She blushes madly and looks away.

"Oh, erm...nothing...nevermind..."

"Janey?" my tone changed from playful and joking to serious and concerned in ten seconds flat. This was most definitely not Jane.

I slip a finger under her chin and turn her face around, so she's forced to look at me.

"Nothing...I said nothing!" she whimpers. Something is wrong...

"Janey, what's wrong?" My voice is so oddly calm it scares me. I should be freaking out, because Jane's freaking out.

"I never said anything was wrong." she mutters, while pulling away from me, and once again looking down at her lap.

I'd noticed one thing while I was looking at her. She looked so...so fragile. Like she was breaking...or already broken. It made me realize that my little Janey wasn't...well, she wasn't my little Janey anymore. This new girl however, was really starting to give me a bad vibe.

"I..."

Sobs overcome her. Her body shakes so hard it's as if there was a volcano erupting inside her. This is killing me as much as it's killing her. I can barely take it. But, I have to take it. I have to take it for Jane.

"Janey come here."

I don't give her a choice. I wound my arms around her and pulled her onto my lap. She fits her head into the crook of my neck and dug her fingernails so hard into my back I was sure it'd leave the biggest crescent moon shaped scars you'd ever see. But, I don't even feel it.

"It's okay Janey. I got you. I got you." I repeated in a stern and steady voice and stroked her hair gently. She kissed my collarbone then leaned her face to the side, so her cheek was now currently placed on my collarbone. I still feel no pain, and it's really shocking me. I don't know exactly how it is I'm doing this, but I don't even know if it's even good or not anymore. Is what I'm doing wrong? Is it wrong to just sit here with Jane in my arms, pretending like everything's sunshine and unicorns when in reality, everything is turning to crap? Here's this girl, a girl I'm in love with, and she's in my arms, and guess what? I can't tell her because she's my best friend, and I don't want to risk losing that, and so forth. This whole thing was so...so...stupid! Yeah, that's what it was! Stupid! It's stupid that I can't tell this girl I'm in love with how I feel!

"Billy?" she mumbles.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"What?"

"Well, you keep repeating the word, stupid...I just thought something was wrong..."

_Idiot!_

"Oh, no, no, nothing's wrong. I'm...fine."

"You sure?"

"As sure as I'll ever be."

She raises an eyebrow at me but doesn't say anything more. Whew. Now _that_ was close.


End file.
